I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately. Stuff dealing with life and the path I’ve chosen. As a child I was curious to no end. My mother tells me stories about how I took everything apart. How I asked questions concerning everything. I used to love school. I would study hard and work hard. I was placed in the top 5% of all elementary school children in scholastic ability back when I was in 5th grade. They wanted me to go to some special school, but I guess money kept me from that life style.
She loves telling me of this, but she never says anything about that ability in me after my parents divorce. My mom still says I was a good kid… says stuff like she could have never raised my brothers and sister if it wasn’t for me… but after that, school disappeared. I still went of course, but it was a joke. Not much went for me back then. I cooked, did some laundry, did the dishes every now and then… I was still a kid.. heh. but after that I never tried in school. My mom says it was because I was bored. Perhaps that was part of it. Stuff like “Oh, I’m sorry our advance math classes are full, your going to have to go into general math.” And the sad part is, I didn’t care. I think I almost failed the class if not actually failing it. Not because I couldn’t do it, because it was a joke. The rest of High School it was like that. My parents always relate it to their divorce. I never thought much about it as I don’t like to think about the past much. You learn from your past, you don’t live in it.
But tonight I was sitting there wondering how much better my life would have been if I could alter that past. If I could have chosen the things I could have done. If I could have stayed in Martial Arts… if I could have stayed in the advanced courses. Stuff like that. I won’t ever say could have been better if it wasn’t for my parents divorce, because that was their life. I have my own. But as I said, I’m not thinking these things to try and complain about the past, but to think of the future. I do choose the course of my life now. I can choose the things I do now, but how far does that get me. Concerning school, I brought that into my grasp. I joined the Air Force, and by doing so I can now go to school and learn the things I want. While, I do have obligations that I must attend to first now because of that, that has never concerned me, because I love this country and I would fight and die for it if need be. But there are so many other things I want to do…
I have never lost the curiosity I had as a youth. I suppressed it for a while and worked on just living, but I’m on my own now. I have my own life. And that is one thing in my that won’t die. Neither will my need to learn. The air force has given me a chance to do this as well. Talking with some of them, they are trying to find ways to let me go do some ‘extra’ courses. I might get my field medic certifications, as well as map finding and trail certifications. They’re also checking into seeing if I can get my jump wings (says I know how to parachute from planes.) It’s kinda funny, most people wish they could just sit around and spend their life in front of a TV… me… I hate TV. I enjoy my games (Final Fantasy) and anime, so I can’t go too hard on them, but I wish I could be out training right now. Learning something new. Possibly creating something new. But all I can do right now is sit. The military opportunities are there, I just have to wait for them. As for things I can do on my own… I have to sit and wait for that as well. Once I get enough money to buy a car, I can prob go take classes and stuff.. but for now I need to wait until I have a way to get around. (I run everywhere on base, but the closest schools and stuff are a good four hour run away…)
I hate how money dictates how so much of your life will turn out. Oh well, I just need to get a vehicle and go to school.. then the martial arts and other activities I want to do will be available. I just have to wait.

I hate waiting.. *laugh*

Also, I would like to give a moment for the members of the Space Shuttle Columbia. I feel bad for their families and for the futures they no longer have. They accepted their job, knowing the consequences, and they knew that this might happen, but it still doesn’t make it a happy event. All I can say is that they gave up their lives exploring and working toward the future of this nation. For that, I appreciate them, and I’m glad they at least were able to do what they wanted. I wish our soldiers received this kinda of media and respect, because they are doing the same thing as the crew of the Columbia, but either way. Soldier, or Astronaught, I give you my deepest honor and place in my heart.

Until next time…
Matt

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ February 1, 2003 10:45 pm