Well, it was supposed to be a rant anyways… another one about love… but after deleting it a dozen times to start over, I gave up. Just nothing felt right… and I wasn’t sure I really believed some of what I wrote. So I’m just going to write… not pay attention, just write.
I just talked with Nagi. This last weekend made me realize how much I missed her. Aubree was right to worry about her. *laugh* It’s strange to think about it. I really do think I loved her back then. I don’t understand how, since I’ve never really met her, but I did feel something. I know I did. And I know it can’t be off of anything physical because this was long before I knew what she looked like. I heard her voice… and I talked with her.. and that was enough. I felt as if I knew her forever. Almost as if I had cradled her in my arms since before existence. It was just a feeling. Just a guess of a guess… a thought of a thought that was lost but still knew it was there.
She said she felt it too, and we made up ideas that maybe we were married in a prior life. We did both have a dream of being married. A dream that was funny in it’s own way since neither new much more than a vague idea of who the other person really was. But that changed, soon enough. I could tell her anything, and I wouldn’t have to worry. Ask anything, and get a honest answer. Be myself and not worry about if she liked me. With Aubree I thought she didn’t like me half the time… *heh*
And no matter what happens… leaving her, hardly talking to her forever, getting married to someone else…. she is still there for me. She always was, I just stayed away. I was the fool. But now, here I am. Alone… single…. and I find myself always thinking of her. Now, there is only one problem. She’s promised to another. *laugh* I guess it doesn’t matter anyways… I can’t leave here to be with her. Maybe it was doomed to begin with. Maybe I just choose relationships with people whom I don’t think it’ll work with. That way I’ll never actually have to commit. *laugh* Who knows?
Heh… I’m half tempted to delete this one…
In the end, you always see your mistakes. But you can’t always learn from them I think. Some choices have two outcomes, and you don’t always control which one you’ll get. Like me, ever time I’ve been in love, it’s ended bad. But I can’t just not love anymore. I just have to be more careful. Find something a little better, make a choice with a little more thought… maybe my next one will work, maybe it never will. I won’t stop though. I don’t think I could. The problem is, as it always has been, I fall for people I shouldn’t. Aubree loved Tyrell… I knew it, but I tried anyways.
I don’t know… I started typing because normally it helps me figure things out, but now I’m even more lost then when I began. I don’t want to love someone whom I have no chance with. But that’s the thing… I think I have a chance… I always think I have a chance. Argh.
*sigh* As for my resolution… Nagi has been my best friend since day one. She is the one person in the world right now I could even think of saying I love… and she will always be so. But she does love Robbie. I don’t know how well that will work, but I’ll return the friendship she’s given me. I don’t think I could do anything else.
Anyways… Aubree is gone… Nagi is taken.. I guess I should become content with being alone.
Anyways.. it’s past the time I should be to bed. At least sleep is an escape.
Good night
Matt

---

Filed under: Uncategorized - @ August 5, 2002 10:10 pm