I learned a new word today…

am·biv·a·lence (m-bv-lns)
n.

1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.
2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

That’s definitely me, hell, even that color thing says that:
Whites should state verbally how you feel and what you perceive about yourself, current tasks, and others’ behavior. Whites are vulnerable to wasting energy because they can’t accurately identify how they feel and present it confidently to others.

So, here I am, so lost in my own mind. I don’t know what to think. What path to follow. What to do. Ugh. I keep trying to balance the two paths hoping that some way I won’t have to choose, but I know I will have to make a decision before too long. I always wonder what will happen if I choose the wrong path. I don’t want to choose the wrong path. I don’t want to lose any friends because of this. I just want to be happy until I leave. I don’t want to leave and spend my time worrying about the ‘girl’ back home. Missing her, etc. I just want to be happy that I have friends back home to go visit and know they won’t worry about me too much. Perhaps I ask for too much… I hate making decisions that affect other people…. especially if I know it’ll hurt one of them… possibly both.

Life is so hard sometimes. At least I’m a optimist. If I didn’t think life was going to get better, I don’t know what I would do. 🙂

Anyways, I’m going to bed. It’s really late. Goodnight all.
Matt

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ January 11, 2002 4:57 am