I wonder what happiness and sadness is. I wonder if people are born happy, and live the childhoods in complete bliss, but to compensate for this, they spend the rest of their life’s in sorrow and sadness. People are born happy. Little kids are the happiest people living. And I don’t give a damn about them no having to worry about bills, what they’re doing this Saturday, or if their friends like them. They’re happy! And then they start learning… they learn what sadness is, and they start understanding misery. Sadness and sorrow is learned, not an innate emotion that everyone gets when their born. Even when little babies are hungry, they’re happy. They’re annoyed as all hell, but still happy. So what causes people to be sad.
Everyone thinks I’m strange because I’m always happy… always, and w/o reason. Well, I do have reason.. I’m not going to be sad for no reason. I’m not going to cry and whine over something that bothers me now, but I know I’ll get over. I don’t see the point to being sad! There are times when I am depressed, and I feel sad for a bit. I let the emotion release itself, and then I go back to being myself. And I really wish that others could see the same….
Anyways, this all started because a friend of mine was way sad today. She wouldn’t tell me why, or even let me in to try and help. That, right there did hurt me, but I felt really sad because one of my friends were sad and I couldn’t do anything for her… I wish I knew the answer, but I doubt I ever will. Alas, are we all cursed to be like this?

Aside from this, Boku no Tenshi, remember that I love you… prob forever since this is one of those things I never just give up on. I still feel a stir of emotion in my heart for loves that are long dead. I don’t know what will happen in the future, and who knows, perhaps you’ll marry Robbie. As long as he doesn’t demand you stop being my friend, (At which point I’ll prob beat him up.. ;), I’ll always be happy and will be here to help you through tough times. I understand why I can’t post on your book, and why he doesn’t wouldn’t want me as a friend list, but just know, if you.. or any girl even.. ever gets together with me, PLEASE don’t stop talking to your other friends, even if they are boys and they love you. My opinion on that is, if you with me, it’s because you love me. I don’t want to lessen that by demanding you not see your other friends. Still, I’m sad I can’t write in your journal, so I’ll write to you in mine. I hope your smiling right now because I am, and I’m missing you more than you can imagine.

Today I stopped after work and watched the sky. I sat in my car because it was still wet from rain outside, rolled down my windows to get that rain smell, and just watched the clouds. The full moon lit up the sky nicely around the dark clouds, and it created the illusion of flying at super speeds as the clouds flew past the moon. I tried to imagine myself on this small planet, hurling through space and speeds faster than I drive! (That’s fast!!!) And thinking of the world spinning, lost amid a torrid of stars and other planets in this galaxy. And even after that, backing away even more and imaging the universe, with it’s countless other galaxies and planets of their own.
Sometimes I think that somewhere out there.. lost in the depths of time and space itself, there could be something that is so beautiful, that were mankind to even glimpse it, peace would ensue. Something so wonderful, that nobody would ever doubt love really exists in the world. And then I wondered why we’re always looking far away for these things. I understand love, and I can look and see beauty… know it as surely as I know myself, and all I need to do is look at you. I’ve always felt that you can glimpse heaven in the eyes of a Angel, but at times I wonder if heaven even compares to this. I don’t know.. *sigh* All I have is a picture right now… and I wonder if I’ll just break down and cry when I get to look truly into those eyes.

Alas, at the rate I’m writing, I’m going to have to find a publisher to print this, so now I’ll end my thoughts and bid thee all adieu. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this… last thing I’ll leave before I go is a poem. I wrote it for my Tenshi, which is Angel in Japanese. Poetry is something I love doing, but rarely does it come so easy. Again, I hope you enjoy it…

If ever there was a time I did fear,
It would be the time I knew you wouldn’t be there
My heart sits and waits, but still I can’t see
What I would do if you weren’t there for me.

My soul would be empty and my heart all alone
My body would die with no way to atone
In sorrow and grief, I’d be lost in fantasy
Of times long past when you still cared for me

Even now your image burns strong in my mind
And forever I know I’ll come to find
That never did I doubt you were my best friend
But much more than that, friends to the end.

~ Matthew Jones

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ June 4, 2001 3:34 am