I’ve often wondered what the point of life was. I think it’s something everyone thinks about in the back of their mind, pondering upon when sitting on the bus, or waiting for a call… or waiting for someone to appear online. One of those idle thoughts that we contemplate to try and determine our purpose in the world, and our meaning in existence. I find myself doing this a lot… wondering why I love, and why I hurt. And I feel like I’m wandering, going from one event to another, never really knowing why, what I should be doing. Happiness seems to elude me for all but the briefest moments when I can talk to a dear friend, or that one person whom my heart feels it can love. Apart from these times, I feel lost in a world that seems out to break me or destroy my soul.
Another thing that seems to elude me is true love. I’ve had love before. I’ve been happy before, but does such a thing as true love exist? It’s easy for me to find a girl. Finding some girl to date is child play, but I can’t do that… there are but a few girls whom I want to know. I can’t date a girl who smokes because I don’t know how I can be with someone who I wouldn’t like to kiss or be around… I don’t like dating girls who are too Mormon or whatever, because I’m not… they have things they dream for their family and future, and I don’t share those dreams. And I don’t like thinking I would be the one to destroy those. I don’t live completely true to these rules… there are people who are just so completely amazing that I don’t care. I would change anything just to be with them. But the best thing about these girls is, they would do the same. They would quit smoking for me, and that’s what makes me completely love them… need them.

I’m not sure if this makes sense, or if it ever will, but I’ll keep wondering, keep thinking… I have to I think… it’s somehow apart of being human, engraved in our souls. And perhaps I’ll always be lost, I guess the whole point is finding someone who you don’t mind being lost with. I wonder how much longer I’ll be waiting……

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ June 3, 2001 12:49 am