Well, I guess my job hunt gets really active now. I went into work and was told, “Guess what, our team is dead.” I was like, huh? Response was, “What new shift do you want?” Well, that’s it… byebye comm-comm. I hated the job with a passion, and the only thing that kept me working there was the team. The only team in the whole place that had spirit and stuff. So, my two weeks are in, and I’ll be working somewhere else. I’ve applied for a bunch of IT places all over the US. I would like a job in Florida or southern Georgia, but the IT industry is so lacking there it seems, that I doubt I’ll find one. *saaa* So who knows.

Today was one of those days I just wanted to be held, but there isn’t anyone here to do it. *sigh* I’m such a pansy. I wonder why I can get girls in the first place… Give me five minutes with a girl, I’ll make her laugh… five hours, I’ll make her cry. So it seems. No matter how much I try or don’t try.. it just happens. Maybe I should give up on girls all together. *laugh* Like that will happen. Oh well.

Four days until my trip. A week away from the net. A week surrounded by Anime. A week with Bob and Dannon.. uh.. ugh! hehe. I’ll probably just ditch them and hang out with all my other friends that will be there for a little bit. *grin* And besides, what about all the kawaii girls? *sigh* And I’ll prob be thinking of Hailey the whole time. Unable to even talk to her.. *mutter* Oh well. And she’s another story.. I so wonder what’s going to happen between us. I’m so lost in confusion. Only thing I know is that I care very very deeply for her… a girl I’ve never touched.. a girl whom I still don’t even know very much about. She mentioned that she didn’t think I loved her… *sigh* Soooo lost… sooo alone… so confused.

You know.. back when I was dating Christie in High School, it ended up with her saying I didn’t love her. It was mentioned, but we stayed together so I didn’t think much of it because she didn’t deny it again when I said I did… Maybe she did believe. Katie always believed… I think. But we weren’t together long enough to test it… Aubree never once believed it… and I wonder if she believed I ever did. And now Hailey wonders. I know I feel it. Can this burning in my chest every time I think of her be anything else? Does my heart lie to me with a skill that can make me believe but let everyone else know it’s fake? Or am I really that bad of a lover that I can’t even say “I love you” without making it sound false?
Or perhaps.. is it just that I’ve never fallen in love with a girl who wanted love… or so, unsure of their own love, they deny mine as to keep themselves safer by not feeling ‘taken’ by someone else’s heart? Perhaps everyone finds me as a great friend, but couldn’t possibly see themselves in love with me. Or even worst, just put up with me… I hope not anyways. My questions is… although I know I can’t stop loving someone… is it better to leave then be and play a friend.. or to constantly let them know I love them… and hope?
I’ll be one of the first people to give advice… as long as it’s not on love/politics/ or religion… if that’s involved, I’ll always say, “Follow your heart.” Although, it’s taking my own advice that got me into this to begin with. Anyone else have any ideas?
I’m fresh out…
~Matt

Here’s something I wrote quickly… currently untitled and untried…

On the wings of the devil I follow my way home
Clawing through darkness, blood, pain, and stone
I reach for my emotions through this deadly haze
struggling to open my eyes yet too scared to gaze
Alone in this prison which bears no escape
I reach for a figure hidden by a dark cape
Mocking laughter sears my ears as my heart starts to break
Never before had I realized how much I had at stake
With fists of desperation I reach out to strike
My hands in agony I turn to take flight
Glass shards surround me with prisms of pain
the mirror falls to the ground that my blood begins to stain
Sweat stings my eyes and my fear takes hold
My body starts to shiver so lost in the cold
And just before to my doom I give in
As I feel my lifeforce slowly start to dim
White light blinds me and a voice starts to call
A hole in my defenses and a crumbling wall
An angel lights the room that almost became a grave
She smiled and showed the exit from the cave
On feet that waiver with a weary desire
and a heart that wished to be free of the fire
He walks on a path none before had tread
following the Angels silver strand of thread
Alive and yet alone the young knight walks on
Searching for this Angel whom he draws his strength upon
He knows not if he’ll find her in the sands of time
Yet still his love lives on in his poetry and rhyme

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ June 30, 2001 6:09 am